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Is it me or is January just dragging?! I keep thinking it’s near the end of the month and then I remember we’ve only just ended the first week! I have mixed feelings about this; on one hand, I have a lot that I need to get done over the next couple of months so a slow crawl through time should be beneficial but on the other hand, a much larger part of me is really wanting this month over already. There are quite a few changes already in the works (mostly at work) that should make my life easier and bring my stress level down. I need these changes to take effect.
Despite having the feeling of so much time on my hands, I find myself really overwhelmed by this year and all that I need to get done. I’m stressed, and for the first time in months it’s not because of work, well not only because of work. In fact, the only thing that’s stressing me out at work is how much of my time it takes up! Usually 50+ hours a week. I need a vacation, and that vacation would be filled with personal work. Here are a few of the things I have weighing on my mind.
My mom is moving
Since I moved to Chicago very quickly and never actually moved properly i.e. I never rented a truck or drove all my belongings from MI to IL. So, I still have a large amount of stuff at my mom’s apartment. My mom’s lease is up the end of February and she’s not planning on renewing. Which means I need to find the time to go to MI pack up my crap and move it to a storage shed. There’s no point in moving it here since I too am planning on moving later this year. Oh, look! More stress.
Aside from needing the time to do this, I also need the money to rent a truck (I have at least 4 large items that will definitely not fit in my car), and some muscle (I physically cannot move my bed out of that apartment by myself). This needs to be done before the lease is up at the end of February, which seems far enough away but also so very, very close.
I am moving
In addition to stressing about my mom, I’m also stressing about my move, and if it’s even going to happen. I’m undecided on if I want to stay in Chicago or not. I’m also not sure how much of an option I’ll have financially. I also have other considerations such as relationships. Will I need a vehicle in my chosen location? How will I manage that? How will I move large items from not one but two locations (IL and MI) into one? I have a pull out sofa at my apartment and a full-size bed at my mom’s. Obviously, I will need both if I move into anything other than another studio. I’m sure there are other things I will find to stress about between now and May as well, I’m good at that.
Goals for this year
The thing about goals is they are supposed to inspire you to succeed. But sometimes, when you have a lot going on, they just make you stress the f*ck out even more! There’s so much that I want to accomplish this year. I’m kinda freaking out that I won’t get through even half of it.
Here’s the thing about me, when I get really overwhelmed, even when it’s over nothing too extreme, I tend to get lazy. I just stop doing…anything. So now, in addition to the items listed above stressing me out, I also have a sink full of dishes, I’m overrun by dirty laundry (and a couple piles of clean for that matter), and my apartment is a general disaster. If you walked into my apartment right now, you would question if you were really in the home of a 30-ish adult woman or if you’d inadvertently stumbled into the bedroom of a teenager. I’m tripping over my own two feet at this point and all I want to do is hide under the covers.
Even writing this blog post is an effort, I keep getting distracted by doing nothing. But I shall persevere! I am writing this post. I will get my laundry and dishes done. I will go to my mom’s and move my things out! It will probably require taking a day or two off work, which I may or may not be able to afford (Oh, there you are anxiety, I thought I’d lost you for a second).
Now, I’m going to be extra honest….I lied at the beginning of this post. I lied to you, dear readers, and I’m sorry. The truth is, I really really hate my job. I know I’ve said before that I’m not happy there, but what I mean by that is, I spend almost every waking moment praying, I’m not sure about my faith these days but I pray, for a way out. This is probably a bigger factor in my stress than any of the other things I’ve listed thus far.
In a nutshell, I’m tired and I’m overworked and I’m overwhelmed by my life and underwhelmed by my options. I’m distracted from what I want to do by what I have to do. I feel like this is going to hinder my progress for this year.
I am finding my way through the fog though. I’m still managing to find space in my thoughts to think of post ideas, and I am still dreaming way bigger than my means. I’m still hoping for the break I need to be able to get ahead and when I can get a burst of energy and a clear head I work on creating it for myself. Writing helps, planning helps, and sometimes day dreaming helps. I try to focus on the good, this helps too. I try to limit my company to the people who make me feel happiest, this helps a lot. I have high hopes for this year. Despite the stress and uncertainty, I’m mostly just really freaking excited to see what happens next!